alyssa_joy

(double blogging because I'm lazy)

The Girl Who Lived... or why I hate bleachers
Current mood: relieved


Now that I'm home and the adrenaline has totally left my system I feel like I need to go take a nap or be sick.

Today, after a very fun and relatively issue-free Honeybee Festival, we had our big church service at the fairgrounds. This was in the grandstand and I think like four of the area churches were involved. A nice big thing at any rate... usually.

We got there a little late and Amelia wanted to sit up high. Unfortunately she also couldn't sit still. We made it through about half the service playing with stickers and not being too horrible of a listener when it happened...

I can't for the life of me tell you what she was doing. All of a sudden, as I watch her, she starts slipping off the seat. She went through, and down, scraping her back along one of the crossbeam supports and hitting her head as she fell. All the way from the top of the bleachers to the cement floor at the bottom.

Keith was moving in like a second. He swung down under the bleachers and got her. I was totally shaking and got up to go to the bottom to see if they were coming out. Of course this pretty much interrupted the whole service. Keith couldn't get her out from where he was down there, so he handed her up to a gentleman from our church and we were able to carry her out of the grandstand to where we could get a look at her.

She had a long scrape down her spine and a few scratches on her arms. They took us into like the fair office where we got an icepack and bandaids (bandaids make everything better). She cried and snuggled for a bit and totally didn't like having anything cold on her head but then started feeling better. So because so many people saw her fall, we went back in to the end of the service to kinda give some reassurance.

Of course, by the time the whole thing was over, she was running around with Lily and wanting to stay to ride the barrel train.

So yes, she's a minor celebrity for the moment and she's playing happily now that we're here at home. But I think I can honestly say, I've never been so scared in my life. Even now I just want to grab her and like not let her get away from me.

Randomly, as we spend time at the fair we got to see the retiring old flags service. I've never seen them do that before so it was kinda interesting.

Your result for The Heart Test...

Bleeding Heart

You are 40% Independent, 60% Idealistic, 50% Intimate, and 70% Indulgent!

Take The Heart Test at HelloQuizzy

There's a tree down in the cemetery.

I don't know why it caught my attention like it did. But it made me sad. Amelia and I had walked through there, we drove through there during the summer to take pictures of the mausoleums; it was just this quiet little oasis. It seemed wrong to see that poor cracked tree.

Made me wonder if it cracked any of the stones. I mean this is a really old cemetery. I know the inhabitants don't care, but I still think places like this are more for the living. But what if a family can't see a love one's marker now?

I don't mean to be all dark... not that it's really that bad.

Legion just posted his location in SB. That kinda kicked me. 50 miles east of St. Louis puts them within easy driving distance. I really should have asked while Kcup was still alive. I could have done at least a little more than just feel bad for them.

Regrets.

Karl contacted me, and the rest of the old gang, and made me feel really old. But he sent me one message saying that he had gone to Tim's grave and said hello from all of us. I don't think I could even find Tim anymore. My home was there for nearly ten years after he died and I still never went in. I can picture the cemetery itself very clearly. How many times did I drive past on my way to someplace else. With all the development in the area I'm sure things look different now. But I can't imagine that it's changed much. The view to the west was always so amazing: the cotton woods along the Yakima River and then Flattop and Rattlesnake and some of the other mountains/hills beyond it. I really miss the scent of the desert sometimes.

Of course, Tim isn't my only dead ex-boyfriend. That sounds pretty horrible to say. At the time, I really didn't feel like it was my place to go to Drake's funeral. I regret that now too.

I never gave the cemetery much thought back in Washington. But they seem to be more of a midwest thing. They're like everywhere around here. I'll be interested to watch them clean the fallen tree here. I know it's ridiculous to say that death is out of place there. It really is a beautiful place though, the tall trees shading the stones and many mausoleums. Since death seems to be such a lucrative business here, I'm sure it will be fixed soon.

Maybe I'll walk through it again this spring.

Long drive to the airport today. I admit that I haven't gotten as much sleep as I should have... but still...

We weren't even out of the airport before I was getting crap from him. Then the complaining started...

I know it was a long trip and a stressful week.

Consideration.

Maybe it's me. I'm sure I could be more patient. I should be.

I'm sorry. I'm done now.

Yeah, I know the title only makes sense to me. But who else reads here. lol.

I was asked a question today that mirrors one of the points in Mike's sermon this morning.

So why church? Why do I go?

Well, I'll be honest, there is the issue of it being Keith's job. If he didn't have to be there bright and early every Sunday I think it would make the temptation to sleep in much harder to resist. But I do get up. I got up in Wisconsin while Keith was working at the restaurant and still made it. But then again, that was to hear Dad preach. So is it just a family thing?

Maybe, now that I think about it. Like now, I can't say I'm often moved by our service, or challenged and it's not only from my lack of sleep. But I go... because it is family. Because even though I'm still learning names, I need to be in the fellowship of believers every now and then. I believe very strongly in unity and I think that's something that's so lacking in the church in general. Yeah, the worship style is so not my style. But isnt' that one of those issues that we Christians argue about and split churches over and make the world look at us like we're idiots over? How can we preach love when we don't even agree to disagree over little things like when to use the pipe-organ?

And I'm rambling... already.

So wait... why do I go? Because though I'm a very poor witness most of the time, I believe absolutely in a God who created the universe with a word and sent his son to bring a lost people back into a right relationship with him.

And a princess needed me and I SO just lost my train of thought.

I'm reminded of the slogan I saw this summer at Cornerstone. Love God, Love peope, nothing else matters. Yeah, I don't argue or preach and I know I fail miserably sometimes but I really do try to treat people with love. I probably could try to be all uber-holy like my brother but... I don't know.

So then I would pretty much have to give up media. I wouldn't shop at Target or any place with questionable business partners and all of it would be for what? Would that really make Christianity any more appealing to my friends who aren't Christian? Christ came to set us free from the law and the fact that there's no way we can do one thing to get to heaven on our own. But don't churches now just find new baggage to give people? Don't celebrate Halloween, don't read Harry Potter, etc. etc.

And I'm getting off on a tangent again.

We were talking about church. lol. Yeah....

I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe in the Bible. But I believe that Christianity is not a religion. The formulas and rituals we practice in our church every morning and the different ones that the other churches practice in their services aren't what's important. What we sing, when we stand up or sit down... those are our rituals. But we're not called to religion. We're called to a relationship with Jesus Christ. Nothing we do can get us to heaven... that's why God did it for us. What's that silly little breakdown again? Religion = do. Christianity = done.

And that's rambling again. This makes at least three times that I've noticed it in myself. lol

For all my complaining and wanting to sleep, I still think I'd drag my butt to church even if it wasn't my family's only means of support. It's part of me. Some of my earliest memories are of Dad's church. That's why I'll never sell that guitar. Yeah, I can't play it... but that's the sound of the songs we sang when we met in living rooms and my dad did everything from the music to the preaching. That's why I'm so looking forward to Thanksgiving. I may not always agree with every word my Dad says... but I always love to hear him preach. More than anyone, he's shown how to be a Christian by loving... not by rules or impossible standards. This has got me all teary eyed all of a sudden. Gee, can't tell who my hero is, can you? lol

So yeah... I struggle... a lot. But church, like my faith, is part of me. I may be a very odd package... but it's all me. And this is long so I'm going to stop rambling now.

I think I'm afraid of my book. I should have known when I couldn't even get through the intro chapter without crying. Now I'm one chapter in and I'm scared. The parts that moved me to tears were maybe not surprising but enough to make me wonder if this is going to open up some wounds that I'd be happier leaving closed. You know?

I think I'm just going to take it slow. Chapter one had tears streaming down my face... I can wait a few more days till chapter two. Yeah... I'm a big chicken.

I haven't posted here in forever. But I have a plan... sorta.

Since my other two blogs are more public, I think I'm going to save this one for more private thoughts. Yes, I know. As shocking as it is, I really do have them now and then. So now that I've adjusted the pinkness I'm going to keep it to myself.

Or at least that's the plan for now.

Had to keep this one....

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Ranger Bard


Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.


Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.


Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Secondary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.


Deity:
Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria's symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

You scored as Simon Tam. The Doctor. You have a gift for healing that goes beyond education. You took an oath to do no harm, even when your patients have tried to kill you. You are out of place where you are, being used to refined society. However, if you take that stick out of your arse you should be fine. </td> Simon Tam 69% Shepherd Derrial Book 63% Zoe Alleyne Washburne 56% River Tam 44% The Operative 44% Capt. Mal Reynolds 38% Inara Serra 38% Kaylee Frye 38% Hoban 'Wash' Washburne 38% Jayne Cobb 25% Which Serenity character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

It was really strange. I was reduced to tears today while we were driving Amelia out to see the goats. I was just looking around at Spring Green and it hit me how I think I really need to resign myself to the fact that we're stuck here. I keep trying to hope we'll move... but I just don't see it happening.

And it's not like I hate it here, well I do hate some things, it's just so not where I want to be.

Long Grove said no. But after going two weeks beyond when they said they'd contact us, I wasn't exactly expecting good news anyway. But I must have still been hoping because I was disappointed. Now I'm trying to give up hope on Rogue River. After all, everyone else has said no... why should this be any different.

But hey, I didn't stay too depressed for long. Amelia got to watch the farmer feed a little baby goat. Talk about cute. The goat was nice too.

Reflections on Long Grove...

Where to begin? The drive wasn't that bad. Didn't hit any traffic and Amelia was actually pretty good in the car. However, the internet directions left much to be desired. But we made it there... in spite of ourselves.

Long Grove was pretty much what we'd been told to expect: very affluent and very Jewish. lol. And we're neither. But it was also very very nice. The people at LGCC were very welcoming and, more importantly, seemed to really be a good match for the vision Keith would bring to the ministry. Being in such a suburban setting again was weird. In some ways it really felt like California... only without the horrid commutes.

We got to sit in on the youth service this morning. It was such a blessing. I sat there and thought it would be so easy to love these kids. It just felt... like a match.

Amelia was an angel. She just poured on the cuteness and was so well behaved we had to tell people that she's not always like that. lol

As for the pastor, he was very... Italian. There were just some things he said that just made us laugh. But he was also incredibly articulate. All in all, I think he's someone who Keith would work well with and someone we would enjoy getting to know.

So we left it with both sides continuing to pray for God's will. We should know in a week or two. But as for us, I think I can safely say we'd accept the job if offered. Of course then we'd have to find a place to live... LOL

I was right. That phone call today was bad news.

The prosecution in Ben's case has decided to ask for the death penalty. So yeah, the family is pretty freaked out. I guess Ben's lawyer says they have a pretty good defense, but this is exactly the news that Keith's mom, or any mom, didn't want to hear.

From what I understand, there's still a chance the judge will allow them to try the 4 cases separately so as not to make this a gang thing. But I have to say I'm not very hopeful on that one.

But now that we know it's going to trial and the stakes are so high, we also know that Keith will be flying back there sometime to testify. The lawyers want him to be able to tell what it was like growing up in El Cajon and the "street life" and all that stuff.

So yeah, I really was selfishly hoping that nothing bad would happen before we went down to Chicago...

At least at the rate things have been going so far I don't have to worry about anything happening right away.

Ohh, and because Keith's parents don't have enough to deal with, now Sonia has decided to take off on them and leave her three kids there. I love her because she's family and hurting and messed up, but boy do I want to smack her. She's a mom; she needs to be thinking of her kids, not disappearing for weeks at a time.

On a positive family note, my parents are sponsoring us so we can join Pre-Paid Legal under them. Big relief. And honestly just a nice thing to do. So I guess now I shouldn't mention how eager I am for them to go on vacation so I can have the house to myself.

But now I'm going to go force the creative juices to start flowing... time to post and relax a bit.

Well, we're back from Midland. It was a wonderful trip, long and wonderful.

Ten hours of driving is plenty long when you have a toddler in the car. But thankfully our hotel had a 24 hour pool so she was able to unwind a bit. She is such a happy little fish.

The actual graduation parties on Saturday were fun... mostly. It was so hot and the rain did nothing to cool things down. But it did create some nice mud puddles for Amelia to splash in. Thank goodness Katie had gotten us those extra clothes.

But oh, talk about surprises...

Derek's party was first and we got a fairly good reaction. Lots of hugs and double takes when people saw us there. But when we went to the park for Jacob's...

Josh saw us first and he and Jacob came running to the car before Keith even had a chance to get the keys out. They were so surprised and so happy to see us.

James' reaction was almost as good. He came running out of his house to tackle/hug us shouting "what the heck are you guys doing here?". Talk about making a person feel loved.

But as nice as all that was, I think the real wonderful part was Sunday morning. I've been missing MCC, or at least I thought I had. But this weekend really gave a sense of closure. I don't wish we still lived there. I don't long to be back there.

And, sitting in the chairs Sunday morning, I've discovered that it's not even the actual church that I miss.

No, we were called out of MCC. I will always love it there and cherish our time there, but it was clear that moving on was the right decision. So what I'm missing isn't Midland or the church there, it's home. I'm ready to be in a place that's home again.

But we do have a date. July 15, 16, and 17 we'll be in Long Grove and I absolutely can't wait. I have a feeling this is going to be a very long month.

Can you believe it? Actual good news to talk about.

After an afternoon and evening with the grumpiest baby in the world (yeah, not sure what was up with her tonight) we came home from the park to hear my mom say that we just missed a phone call.

Long Grove Community Church had just called for Keith. Now when he got that email last week, I really started preparing myself for a 'no'. Maybe I was afraid of hoping. So when we heard about the call I tried to keep it light. "Well, it's either good news or bad news."

Of course, after the day I'd had I was really expecting bad news.

But instead Keith talked with the pastor, who he really has a good feeling about, and they told us that they want to bring us out (down) to candidate.

Now, as we learned in Oregon, this is not a sure thing. But oh... it was so nice to get some positive news for a change.

By the time we get back from our trip to Midland this weekend we should have an idea of the dates that we'll be going to Chicago. Haven't decided if we're taking Amelia yet or not. We'll see how she behaves this weekend.

So yeah, I'm happy and relieved and a little ashamed of my doubt and extra emotional this week anyway and very close to crying. But above all I'm just so thankful to see some hope. We needed it.

Now I think I'll try to relax... if I can get the Jonah soundtrack out of my head. Or maybe I'll just sit here in shock a while longer...

Everybody drinks the water
From the murky pool...


Our family continues to get the monthly newsletter from MCC back in Midland. It's a nice way to keep up with what's going on. Unfortunately this month's was particularly heart-wrenching.

On top of the fact that like 5 of our kids are graduating and there's no way we can be there, the front page was a message from the new pastor--Keith's replacement, so to speak. Aside from noting that Keith is a much better writer, I cried to read one particular part.

He talked about how on the first night of the candidate weekend, he and his wife knew they were "home". I remember that feeling well. It's exactly how we felt after our first visit. MCC was instantly home.

So now this new guy and his wife are home. I'm happy for them, I really am.

But as for us, I feel that we've been called out of our home to wander in the wilderness. We don't know where we're going and it certainly is starting to feel like 40 years. Although I suppose the basement is better than the desert.

No calls this week. Well, Keith got one. A church in California called and their first question to him was "do you speak in tongues?". Yeah, that was enough to make us say no and run away... fast.

I think I'm just starting to get depressed (more depressed?) by how long this is taking. Sometime in June will mark the one year anniversary of this search. Now that's a milestone I never wanted to hit.


...Is your faith so right
Are you so blessed
Everybody wanders in the forest
Is your heart so true
Are you that good
Everybody wanders in the woods
Everybody wanders in the forest
Everybody wanders in the wilderness

You Are a Retrospective Soul

Ok, I think this one's safe to post... The most misunderstood of all the soul signs. Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

And the search continues...

Well, the door that would have led us back to Midland has officially been closed. We got the rejection letter today. I was a little offended for Keith. After all, these were people he knew personally; they could have offered something more than a form letter. But he's nicer than I am. He pointed out that it was probably awkward or something.

I don't think I'm too sad. The low salary was definitely an issue and I was having some serious doubts about where I'd fit there. But now it doesn't matter. It's a bummer that we won't be closer to Jon and Katie... or is it?

They moved (just across town, but still...) without telling my parents. We had no clue until my mom called their old number and got a recording saying it had been changed. Yeah, talk about a good way to make your parents feel welcome. But hey, they're not having twins after all, so I guess that's a good thing.

Talked with the investigator from Ben's lawyer today. She asked some odd questions and pretty much wanted to know everything about how Keith grew up. Trying to figure out family life I guess. She asked a lot of questions about race and prejudice. If she can prove that Ben isn't racist in any way that'll mean he's a good candidate for prison as opposed to death-- if it ever gets to that point.

I still don't understand the whole thing. At any rate, this certainly isn't something that will be resolved soon, unfortunately. These things can take years. Ben's going to miss the first few years of his son's life... all because of the wrong friends. Doesn't seem fair to me.

I've been having one of those days when I really wish I knew what was going on inside my daughter's mind. Actually, I've been having several of them this week.

Thanks to my mother, the gardner, Amelia has discovered flowers. So every single dandelion in the park was "pretty". Which makes sense when you think about it since every single bird is "tweet" and all dogs are "woof". And don't even ask me to try to spell the sound she makes for elephant.

But yesterday was just too funny. Yesterday she was very attached to Freddy, her toy dress-up fireman. She gave Freddy juice and brushed his teeth, or his smile at any rate. Then when we went to the park Freddy had to come too. He got to go down the slide with her. Well... actually she threw him down first, but the thought was there. She climbed and played with him on the toys for a little while but then wandered off to the softball field. There she would sit him down against the fence and walk away a few steps then she'd come back, move him a few feet and then walk away again. Yeah, I really have no idea what she was thinking.

Of course, the educator in me knows that this is totally developmentally appropriate; this is exactly the sort of play she should be doing at this age. But the parent in me was all "Oh my gosh, my daughter is so amazingly smart. Look what she can do." lol

It does make me with that I'd kept or photocopied (stolen) the Parents as Teachers curriculum. I know there were tons of good activities for this age but I can't remember them. Guess that's the problem with studying something that at the time I couldn't apply directly to my life. That or I just have a poor memory.

But sadly, because this is Wisconsin, the weather has turned cold again so I don't think we'll be hitting the park much this week. And we don't seem to be any closer to moving either. Clifton Park, NY is still interested. The ROCK in Midland is still interested. Caldwell, ID is interested. And we still haven't been officially rejected by Camino, CA. Four doors that are at least not slammed shut yet. But who knows...

An investigator will be here on Monday and Tuesday to interview Keith about Ben. I think they're talking to family members so they can establish character and hopefully be able to avoid the prosecution asking for the death penalty. From all I've heard the case against Ben seems pretty weak. But maybe that's just me not understanding how things work. After all, the media has played this up to be a big old "gang violence" thing.

Too many things that I don't know. Maybe that just means I should go to bed. But hey, at least I'm semi-responsible enough to look things up when I don't know anything about them.

So we got the newsletter from MCC today. As happy as I am for them, I find it a little depressing that they found their new minister in 3 months while we've been searching for 9 months and are still no closer than when we started. Oh well, I guess this is a learning experience... or something.

Interesting though. We looked at a church in Rockford. It sounded ok, had a nice website and all. But of course, any church in Michigan, especially that area, gives me lots of conflicted emotions. Not to get ahead of myself or anything, but it sure produces some interesting daydreams.

But Rockford would be close to the Muirs. That would be nice. And it would be within visiting distance of Jon and Katie, and MCC for that matter.

But who knows. We also sent some resumes to Virginia and other random places that I can't even remember right now. I guess we'll just continue to wait and see.

It's the waiting I really hate.

Little things.

I have to wonder if there's something wrong with me that I get disappointed over such trivial things. But still... when you say you're going to do something...

Other random thoughts...

I'll admit that I'm an emotional person. I cry during Extreme Home Makeover and every single time Amelia and I watch A Snoodle's Tale.

But you know you truly love someone when you start to cry just reading that they were crying. That's right. Not seeing them cry, or hearing them cry... but just reading the words. And it wasn't like those few dignified tears either; I was bawling. I love you forever Sis!

More randomness...

Never send grandparents alone to Toys R Us. They were going into town so I asked them to pick up refills for the diaper pail. Nothing fancy, nothing exciting. What do they come back with? Bubble, two videos, and the coolest sand/water table I've ever seen. It has a castle and a moat and a dragon and a knight and a princess. Of course Amelia is a little young to really play with those parts... but she sure does like making mud. It's got to be about the cutest thing ever. Or maybe the cutest is watching my parents watch her play with it.

Now that the weather is getting warmer I'm discovering that I have a whole new contempt for dog owners. It comes from walking with Amelia in the park and at the edge of our lawn. I know that picking up animal waste isn't something that's exactly fun. But I've been to pet stores; I know there are things that make the job easier. So basically people are lazy. And it really bugs me that they think the edge of the yard is ok because it's behind some trees and out of sight of the windows.

It's gonna be a long weekend. It just is. And after the monster headache I had this morning, I know better than to delay the call of the bed.